Wednesday, June 24, 2009

IKEA: A Veritable Treasure Trove of Titles

by Michelle Gagnon

So I'm moving this week, which means that this post will be brief- as I type, I'm also packing boxes one-handed (I'm considering adding that newly acquired talent to my official resume).images

It also means that I've been spending an inordinate amount of time at stores that I have a love/hate relationship with, like Home Depot, Bed Bath and Beyond, and...yes...IKEA.

While wandering the aisles the other day, lost once again in "Home Organizing" and unable to find the exit, I was struck as always by the product names. Where other than IKEA can you purchase a Godmorgan, and at such a reasonable price?

So I propose that today's post be more of a writing exercise. I'll provide the names of IKEA items, you provide a brief summary of what a book entitled that might be about. Here are some examples to get you started:

  • FLORT: A hilarious coming of age story about a high school girl with an odd affliction, and how it impacts the boys she develops crushes on.

  • MANSTAD: Based on the true story of a Crimean War prison break, and the men that history forgot.

  • KORT: An eye-opening and heartrending look at the American judicial system, as viewed by today's hottest slam poets.

I've listed some options below to get you started, but feel free to choose any item from the IKEA product line for inspiration.




I can't wait to see what everyone comes up with. In fact, I'll send the best entry their very own Flort- how's that for incentive?


  1. Well, I'm not sure I'm old enough for a Flort, quite frankly, but it seems obvious to me that Anno Senala is the historical recounting of those early days when someone got lost wandering around the Dark Continent, rather like Don Quixote.

    I'm definitely leaving Grodby alone, since it's going to be too dark and painful for me to recount, but I suspect it involves a young man. And perhaps a wombat. But I could be wrong, at least about the young man.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Hi Michelle! What fun!

    Well, I'm gonna have to go with SUPERFIN, a sushi tale of mutated sharks tearing up the eastern seaboard terrorizing young children and women dumb enough to go into the water after seeing JAWS nearly 30 years ago.

    I also like ANSLUTA, the alluring story of a group of frozen hookers peddling themselves outside McMurdo Station in protest of global warming while a serial killer is on the loose, although dressed a tad more sensibly.

  4. BLIXT - A drunken Scrabble game turns violent, resulting in a young man's search for meaning in the English Department of an Ivy League school.

  5. Wow, I'm impressed. Clearly, the race for the Flort is off and running...

  6. GRODBY is the heartwrenching story of Hagrid's younger brother. Driven away by his family for being scrawny and runty, he is raised by a secretive band of Monks with historic links to the Knights of the Templar and the Illuminati. There, he learns the mystical secrets of the monks and finds happiness. Unfortunately, a rogue band of terrorists storms the monks stronghold, looking for their secrets, which they--the terrorists--intend to use as part of a secret plot to blow up Buckingham Palace with a dirty bomb.

    After the monks are slaughtered, it's up to Grodby and a beautiful young neophyte (hiding out from the Irish mafia as a man in the monastery) to save Buckingham Palace and the Queen while holding the Irish terrorists at bay.

    I see Daniel Craig and Drew Barrymore in the lead roles.

  7. SPARKA. A fatalistic tale of a small group of Spartan outcasts who followed the famous 300 from war to war. Their quest was to gather up pieces of broken armor and melt it into a futuristic contraption bought by an automaker destined to go bankrupt.

  8. Great game! Here's mine:

    ANTIC - A gang of mischievous serial killers unleash a series of deadly pranks in the city of New York.

    ANN0 SENALA - The world's oldest virgin finds true love in a nursing home.

  9. FENOMEN--the inspiring biography of Sweden's greatest pitcher, from his boyhood hurling ice chunks at carp to his triumphant 2-12 season with the AA Chattanooga Lookouts.

    (This is too fun)

  10. GULLUNGE – An aging circus clown uncovers a deadly plot by the US Postal Office to attack the president and take over the country, but no one believes him except a small orphan boy who thinks he’s a magical being come to life from his favorite book. Gullunge must enlist the help of other circus folk and the boy to stop the attack in time for the delivery of Christmas catalogues.

    (I agree, what a fun game and writing exercise!)

  11. ANNO SENALA -- The long awaited sequel to Anna Karenina, about Anna's long lost Swedish cousin who stumbles upon a time machine and finds herself stuck in the past. She mistakenly causes her great, great, great grandfather to fall in love with her. Now, while trying to find her way back to the future, she must work toward making Great, Great, Great Granddad fall in love with Great, Great, Great Grandma before poor Anno is erased from time.

    ANNO SENALA marks the publishing debut of famous film director, Robert Zemeckis.

  12. I absolutely love these, they've got me laughing out loud. It's going to be tough to decide a winner...although carp throwing is a definite leader. But they're all so good-carp throwing, aging clowns, and the world's oldest virgin. If IKEA only knew.

  13. AGNARYD - the tale of the nearly epic 15th century battle between France the Britain. Some men are warriors, Some men are lovers, Some men are Knights Some men are Knitters.

    EXPEDIT - Max Expedit is the man to call when it absolutely, positively has to be destroyed overnight.

    LILLHOMEN - Life on the prarie was not easy. Bessie Lillhomen dreamed dreams of being taken away from it all by a knight in shining armour, but in the 1870's there were no more knights in armour, and internet dating had yet to be invented.

    OXSKAR - 840 AD, north shore of Danmark. Oxskar was his mother's favourite. He was gentle. He was kind. He likes to make lacy doilies for his mother. But when Swedish raiders stormed ashore and razed his village Oxskar was shown his true destiny. And the heart of the Swedish Vikings would be rent in twain by Oxskar Lacy Doilie King!

    UPPTACKA - A coming of age story of a boy and his Llama. The mountains are not as lonely as they seem.

    BARNSLIG - The kids knew better than to play in the old barn. Their grandmothers muttered something about a curse. But nobody believes in Norse superstitions anymore...nobody believes in the legend of Barnslig.

  14. The boy and his llama made me snort coffee. Basil, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

  15. It is my pleasure to serve.

    I've found that creamer blunts the trauma of sinuvial coffee snorts.

    Napkin M'Lady?

  16. I'll give it a shot.

    KLIPPAN - when does a good-natured red-headed, buck-toothed boy spiral out of control to become the mass-murderer known as Klippan. Not afraid to reveal his own true identity, Klippan prefer's the intimate killing of his victim's by means of finger-nail clippers.

    Bob Nailmoon, an up-and-coming FBI agent is assigned the case as means to terminate him from the force. But could this be his shining moment to get the recognition he deserves? can he stop this psychopath before he "clip's" his next victim? What happens when Klippan's sights are set to ... Bob's very own wife?